downtime – Life, on purpose!

If I could go back in time, I would probably tell myself to slow down. Life goes by far too fast, and I have allowed myself to rush through far too many things. As a child, I had a bit of a rocky start in life. I had a father, who was, some would say strict, based on the bruises and marks often left on my body, others would say, abusive. Regardless, I was a very withdrawn and insecure person from a very early place in life. After a “situation” that left my legs covered in bruises, I ran away from home at the ripe old age of seventeen. I moved in with my cousin’s friend, who was much older than me, and I found out quite quickly, that I was no where near ready for adulthood. But as they say, you can’t go back home, thus, I began my life of rash decisions followed by an almost emergent series of adjusting my life and myself to make those decisions fit as though they were what was meant to be for my life. There have been many times when I suffered as a consequence, there have been times that it was my children who suffered as a consequence. As a parent, you never intentionally do things that will end up being hurtful to your children, you try to make choices that you believe, at the time, will be in their best interest. But often times, those choices do not play out so.
I find myself now, facing the latter part of my life, and often get down because I feel as though I do not have anything to show for my life, thus far. I do not have my own home, I do not have my own car, and I still have far too much student loan debt. Following a nasty divorce, I wound up having to go through bankruptcy, and am at this point in my life, still trying to rebuild good credit. I do not even have a comfy nest egg saved away for retirement, even though that will be quite a few years away. Many times, I find it far too easy to get down on myself pretty hard about the things that I have failed to accomplish at this point in my life, mainly due to rash choices I have made since I was younger. But, I think, sometimes it is far too easy to play the victim and toss around tickets to the pity party like confetti. I can say with most certainty that most of those snap decisions I have made have came from the influence or as a direct reaction to the actions of someone else. Therefore, there is an entire laundry list of people for whom I can blame for the little that I have accomplished in my life. But, throwing blame rarely ever improves one’s circumstances. I rather choose to put my energy into what I have gained from life. I have two wonderful and amazing children who happen to be incredible adults and have accomplished so much in their own perspective lives. I have an incredible daughter in law, who is such a wonderful addition to our family, that I could not imagine life without her. I have two of the most perfect granddaughters that have ever graced the earth. They are my whole world. I have found the love of a good and decent man. I challenges me and lifts me both, at times when I need to be challenged or lifted up. I may not have a home, but I have found that not owning a home allows me a degree of freedom and mobility. My husband and I travel, often, and now have decided to tempt fate, and move to Florida. One of my biggest dreams in life has been to live on the Gulf of Mexico, and he has made it his mission to make my dream a reality.
So, at the end of the day, I believe the one thing I would say to myself, had I the opportunity to go back is to slow down. Life has a way of getting away from you and it is important to stop from time to time, and truly smell the roses. Perhaps many of the choices I have made in my life have been hasty and have not all been the most sensible of the most beneficial ones to me. However, each and every choice I have made has brought me to the place I am in life right now. While I may have some regrets about some of the decisions I have made, overall, I am in a really good place now, and I cannot possibly imagine the path of my life taking me in any other direction than where I am now. But, I only wish I could go back and have just a little more time to enjoy and appreciate the value of certain aspects of my life, things that I will never have an opportunity to get back. Such as, getting to enjoy the simplicity and freedom of childhood, or getting to enjoy the idea that the teenage years are so much a part of what shapes us as adults. It would be nice to get the time back to appreciate my youth and have the knowing that teenage years are only temporary and nothing that happens in high school actually lasts forever. I would truly love the opportunity to go back in time and hold my children just a little longer and play with them just a little more when they were young. I truly believe one of the harshest regrets of getting older, is the reality of just how fast our children grow up.
So, I am going to move to the Gulf of Mexico and enjoy the beauty and simplicity in watching a sunset across the ocean. I am going to enjoy slow, uninterrupted time with my granddaughters. And, I am going to take time to sit with my husband and take in all the love and laughter we share, and I will spend the latter part of my life, having no regrets, because I plan to make every decision a thoughtful and purposeful step in my journey.

Unplug and recharge. It’s a novel concept, right? I mean, we have all heard of it. Ah, the imagery that our minds conjure up when we hear those terms are the recharging and unplugging of that little piece of glass and steel life’s blood affectionately known as our smart phones. They are smart, we can do pretty much anything with them, from email contacts from around the globe, to becoming amateur-professional photographers; hell, even, surf the internet, book a hotel, buy a plane ticket, and plan an endearing itinerary to some tropical island. And, let’s not forget social media. Ah, social media. That wondrous machine that consumes huge chunks of our day, and makes us feel, somehow, validated or violated. People nowadays spend enormous amounts of their life on social media, yet, lack necessary social skills to get through a dinner party without having anxiety attacks.
Life gets crazy, chaotic, if you will. We all have so many things going on all around us at any given time on any given day. Jobs, school, homes, and family, we all have at least one of these things that keep us set on strenuous deadlines. Juggling more than a few of these can be slightly more than mind boggling. The important thing that we only need to remember, is that we have to take a time out every once in a while, for ourselves. I mean, after all, we are no good to our families, our jobs or coworkers, or anything we attempt when we are run down and ineffective. Many people refrain from putting themselves in a much needed and well-deserved time out because they feel guilty. Maybe taking a nice long soaking bath is inconvenient because the children need to be bathed first. Maybe a nice drive just listening to music does not seem like a good idea because there is a report paper due in two days. However, there must be a balance somewhere.
I was recently reminded of that myself. My daughter came to visit for a week. She had moved to Minnesota from Georgia at the beginning of the year. So, I had not seen her in a few months, and did not know how long it would be until I would have the opportunity to see her again. I had taken some time off work so that I could spend the time with her. Now, normally when I have time off work, I break up the day into chunks of time that I spend working on my homework for school and house chores. She wanted to go for a walk around my neighborhood. I agreed to tag along with her, reminding her that I had homework to work on when we returned to the house. While on the walk, she mentioned that she wanted to also drive to downtown and walk around some of the little shops and boutiques. I agreed to go, with another reminder of having homework to complete. While we were on our walk, we had a great conversation and reflected on how different life had become for each of us. And, it dawned on me. The homework was not due for several days, and she was only here for a few days. I had missed her incredibly since she left a few months earlier, and I really wanted to just focus on spending quality time with her. So, I stopped thinking about having any homework to worry over, and I just walked with my daughter. We enjoyed a nice walk around the neighborhood, and down to the lake and back. During our conversations, we laughed, and we got serious. Then we drove to town and walked around sight seeing among the quaint little boutiques. We stopped for lunch before returning home. When we got back to the house, I checked my Fitbit and noticed that I had gotten in over 10,000 steps that day. It was, ironically, the first time in weeks, that I had even gotten to 10,000 steps. Between working at a desk job, and doing school work, I rarely get to move much at all during most days. But I let everything else go that day, and I just spent the day with my daughter, my best friend. And it was worth everything. She will be leaving tomorrow to go back to Minnesota, and it will be a while before I get the chance to do that again. We must do those things, kids and grandkids grow, and they grow fast, so if you do not allow yourself the chance to just stop and take in the moments with them, the moment will be gone, and you can never get it back.
In addition to enjoying a beautiful day with my daughter, I realized, I unplugged myself from my normal routine of “have to hurries” and was able to recharge my own batteries. And, that was amazingly beautiful. I let myself off the hook, so to speak, from school or house task commitments, and just enjoyed the simplicity of a walk. The ability to have great conversation with one of the most important persons in my life, was certainly a bonus. But, leaving my phone at home, also recharging, allowed me to reflect on the simple treasures of life that I had not taken notice of in some time, such as the warmth of the sun, the cool breeze, and we talked about how green everything is. Spring has just sprung this week, and I realized, during the walk that I had not even taken notice to how everything has already come to life. The experience was soul nourishing. During the weekend while she was down, we experienced multiple obstacles that cold have stolen the joy from her visit, yet through it all, while there was an err of natural frustration and concern, ultimately, there was a calmness that engulfed us. Perhaps the time we spent on our walk, reflecting on life and the world before the events unfolded, gained us an advantage on handling the stress? Taking these moments for a timeout of our routine is something that we all need to be mindful of doing from time to time. My daughter leaves in a few hours to go back to Minnesota, and I am not sure when I will get to see her again. But, I am grateful for the few hours that we took out of everything to enjoy our 10,000 steps and focus on each other and what is most important.

Tag: downtime

If I Could Go Back In Time, What Would I Tell My Younger Self?

10,000 steps with my best friend.